Still In My Heart~

Time of 3 am, it was dark everywhere she lying on her bed observing the surroundings. Even the slightest tick of the clock increased her frustration, all she wanted was stillness. she sat down after making sure that nobody was awaken, exhausted from lying on the bed, she sat and turned her face towards the wall beside her bed and started yelling quietly. her brain was bursting with memories, and her hands were shivering from fear, the fear of losing someone who was never hers, she kept searching for a shoulder to cry on, and then suddenly her shadow friend appeared which was not visiting her from two days. Alina was ravaged and her eyes were raining tears from the wall on which her eyes were fixed her insufferable eyes got brighter as her friend shadow appeared for whom she was waiting desperately. Adonis sat in front of her without wasting a second she hugged it and started blubbering and after 10 minutes of her emotional instability, she holds the shadows' hands and added in a broken voice " shadow am I bad? Iam, not a bad girl. Am I not kind and pure-hearted? What mistake have I done in confronting this unbearable pain? why is he doing all this to me? is it what u get when u love someone truly? It is the pain that I got after all the love I gave!" she started to discuss a story that might never get to an end. she knew the best moments of life will become the worst nightmare for her.

But shadow knew that she was a joyous girl who never faced misery but the day when this boy arrived, her life changed. In February '2016 she shifted to her new apartment with her family, it was the day she saw him for the first time. The second time she saw him he was in an ambulance he just got an accident. she kept thinking about a person who she have never met in her life how can she feel his pain when he meant nothing to her, no more than a stranger.why was her heart throbbing with pain in watching him in this state. his leg was fractured and he was unable to walk for four months. when she saw him on a stretcher she faced stress at night, she was dying to talk to him. That was a new situation that she faced only once but that feeling was like she knew him for years. Indeed Alina was a cheerful girl for her love doesn't exist, and those types of relationships were not more than a time waste but she didn't know that her life was going to be twisted for love.
After he recovered and was able to Walk, Aline was thrilled, they spent hours in random talks and games. she always had a huge crush on that boy but she never dared to talk about it. She felt the same feelings as the boy had ,they secretly meet on the stairs and made fuss of each other.
October 16, 2018, the time when the sky mixed two colors when the sun was about to set, that time was magical for Alina she was gossiping with him, and all of a sudden he asked her for her number, and she give him her mobile number. It was like everythingwas happening as she wanted. she was over the moon. When he texted her he meant to be a different guy they do talk as friends but he also gave hints that he was interested in her. In the beginning, he talked only for three days, and on the 3rd day he stopped texting and replying after that he replied thanks for your friendship, and bye forever. That gave a hard shock to Alina because she always thought that the attraction she felt was from both sides but at that moment she realized that was only her who was mad for him. she thought its the end he again started talking forgetting his words. Every time he comes up with sorry and persuades her to talk and on third day he said goodbye to everything. Alina was unable to understand those twists in her life. people are not what they pretend to be. In 2019 they have their final goodbye and at that time she tried to save that incomplete unsuccessful relationship. but it was not in her hands she was unable to make him stay when he had already decided to leave.
With every single movement, she missed him and talked with him in her utopian world. He was her first love the first boy with whom she talked and trusted.
At the end of 2019, the boy returned to her life it was 4 pm she saw the text from his number she was elated and blocked him on his first text. But blocking him was not enough she again started to think about him.
She was again facing her emotions which she thought were buried long ago her . it's not possible to ignore that person who has your heart. In 2020 February they talked but it doesn't feel the same, something was interrupting her maybe she had developed trust issues. This time the end was a tragic one with no goodbye just both apart without explanation. Time passed they both never interfered in each other's life.
Even when they saw each other they acted like strangers. But Alina always cried the nights out whenever she saw him. In 2021 June, the month of monsoon, she chosed to cry hard and let the raindrops hide those tears because at that time she had no more strength to hide her emotions. time had passed but her feelings got worse instead of forgetting him. The next day she got a message from him. Once again it all started with talking about what they are doing in their lives and other random things. but this time again she was serious that she proposed to him but did not get an optimistic response. He asked for some time but when two weeks passed he decided to stop their relationship with the reason that they might have arguments in the future. she removed him from her contacts.
She felt dark in front of her eyes her body started to tremble she yelled. not again, she was not prepared for that pain she rushed to take a long shower and hide her tears from others.
After that incident, she gave her best to forget her past and move on. she occupied herself with her studies and sports, restraining herself from social media, but she failed to move on and get rid of him.
January 2022 they had a one-day conversation on a phone call he talked about his life issues and the problems he had. He wanted a listener who could silently heed him. It was a cold night she was walking on the roof listening to him but still feeling that pain in her heart, then she dared to ask him about the future, and silence occurred, and he responded yes iam ready for that maybe this time he can't afford to lose her but she changed her mind within seconds and said no I am not able to ensure about future. anything can happen so we should end here. he asked her do you like me and she said yes. he was confuse that she liked him and was leaving him. she said that it's the better option she just doesn't want to rewind her past to ruin her present. He asked her to pray for him to become a doctor, she said why not and cut the call.
She was smashed. she decided to sit on the roof it was peaceful then without wasting time she went to the sports complex and played badminton till she became lethargic.
She knew all these activities are not going to help her move on she had to suffer because there was no other way. Months were passing she was waiting that maybe the next month will help to remove her terrible memories and give her relief from insomnia. Every new day brought new pain to her she had no more hopes for erasing him from her mind. She started to do telepathy she was not aware that it was real or not she just wanted to perform the role that gives her satisfaction.
September 20, 2022, when she saw him it felt the same as her first time.
He meant the world to her. he looked depressed she wanted to talk to him about his problems but she dropped the idea of texting him. And she let things go the way they went. but it felt like all her struggle was nothing but a waste.
December 6, 2022, was the evening time when she got the message from him and that was the most astonishing moment. she decided to ignore it but continuously getting messages made it impossible for her to ignore him. He convinced her to accept his sorry and start everything again. Till their late-night conversation, tears were rolling down her eyes. he gave her a thousand reasons for coming back and told him about his problems and health issues which convinced her to be with him again.
She was unable to hear about his health issues because she always thought that his life was perfect with no stress and anxiety and he was happy without her but it was just her mind's misconception. she was ready to be his listener and to motivate him in every situation but not ready be to apart again! The boy pretended to be changed when they began their relationship. she began to live cheerfully again she was getting back her sleeps and losing her stress. she thought she is the most fortunate girl in this world. she thought she is blessed and she started believing on telepathic methods, they are incredible. In January when it was his birthday, they decided to meet but their meet-up was for 2 minutes, and they both were happy about that. Their love was increasing they both thought that they were blessed. He mostly called her on her room's window just to look at her. she thought she is being granted what she mourned. But she didn't expect that after starting university she will be no one to him. But sometimes things go beyond our expectations and that was happening with her. she meant nothing to the person for whom she was the world. she and the shadow came out from the Flashback and she looked into its eyes. They had sympathy for her. She continued now "who am I to him? am I that much useless that he loves to hurt me and sends me his best moments, pictures with another girl. why he is comfortable in sharing all this to me? do humanity in his heart has died? does he not understand that his behavior is painful for me? she has taken my place". shadow interrupted no your place is given to her why don't you understand he is now no more interested in you? This line felt to her like a sharp needle. "And what about me, my feelings are not changed iam still the same person and even though he has asked me to leave him his words were that you are free to go. but still my heart is not accepting it iam perplexed iam not mentally prepared to tolerate that pain again. do I deserve this unbearable pain". shadow replied you never deserved that try to understand he is not the perfect match for you iam not an outsider I care for you and this is the only way of your mental peace I am repeating leave him. Her innocent and saddened eyes didn't dare to look up and stare at Adonis but she continued talking. "why he wanted me to leave him even though he can also leave me but he wants me to leave him and become a villain of my own love story!" Further, in a broken voice, she lowered her eyelashes and said " I had made a promise that at any cause I will be with him and never leave him no matter whatsoever I can't leave him at this moment." shadow vanished .she echoed "I can't leave him!" she knew that shadow was the only friend of her and came to look after her but shadow hates when she makes the inappropriate decisions that are not good for her. In the end, she realized the shadow was only an illusion of her mind which talks about what her brain wants, and she speaks up about what her heart wants, and her heart always won against her mind.
She sighs after that emotional battle and stood up took her books and went out of the room. she couldn't lie down on her bed anymore everything exhausts her.